how i feel all these while..

actually.. it's really hard for me.. i know i'm not that close to you guys.. but at least we have good entertaining fellowship.. able to talk freely to you guys.. about anything and sometimes abit too much, so i'm sorry haha.. but if you realise.. most of the times you guys talk among the both of you.. the 'codes' that you(s) used.. i seem to be out of the conversation most of the time.. i feel left out.. i don know what you(s) are saying.. i don feel part of the clique..and many a times, a voice will tell me that i'm not fit to be part of you and i feel like withdrawing.. felt it again today also.. and sometimes when i wanna say something.. you(s) will be distracted and start another topic when i haven finish what i wanna say.. and all the more especially i'm not close to your flowers (anymore).. it's kinda weird when i don know what to say when we're with them.. cause all of you can talk among yourselves.. but i don know what to say.. especially when people do remember the past.. haha i've tried to change but the fact is a scar is left.. and the atmosphere is always so awkward so weird.. so i'd rather not say a thing.. and when you(s) are busy with them.. i'll be left aside..

though sometimes i feel left out.. sometimes i may seemed pissed.. but when i'm home.. i'll eventually forget everything.. and i mean it.. whenever you guys call me out, even if i'm busy or something.. i just don feel like rejecting you guys.. i'll always try to meet if possible.. because i'm feeling the joy even before we meet.. though sometimes we do silly things and big sacrificial actions like today.. it's actually quite fun.. not because i'm _ _ _ _ therefore i agreed but i know that it'll bring laughter and joy to others and myself.. (that's why i thought of joining the drama ministry before haha) really enjoyed myself =).. thank you for thinking so highly of me..

p.s
1) i really still miss you mummy even if i haven been asking you out.. i'm afraid you're busy.. and there is really alot of things going on within the cg.. so sometimes i may forget bout you =X while busy planning and doing other stuffs..

2) actually i wanna blog about something but i couldn't remember.. haha i need my inspirations back..